Thursday, December 26, 2002

Yes. Clearly here contains lack of activity.
Thanks to the one punter who arrived here via Yahoo after searching for 'free pics of rotton pussy'. Seasons greeting guvnor. Normal service will, of course, resume shortly. There has been much bi-directional candle burning including the eating of burst liver of tortured goose. So excuse the apparent laziness. Laziness it is not I assure you all. As I've previously said, I bloody hate Christmas. And then it is immediately followed by the lunacy that is the New Year sales.


Saturday, December 21, 2002

Ah. Failure to update site. Bad. Presence at LOTR movie. Good. Next to us sat bloke with laptop. Ah, the Internet...

There are several films I want to take in at the pictures this Christmas; however first on the list is a reshowing of the Two Towers. Gollum is just terrific. The Oscar people are going to have to invent a new category for CGI characters (I freely admit this is Jonathon Ross' idea). Not wanting to ruin, but check out this site devoted to the mistakes made at the movies. Two Towers, it claims, contains 48 inconsistancies. Mmm, I think I prefer reading the list of films I'm a bit more indifferent to. At time of writing, Two Towers is ranked at 54 in the nicely fussy Internet Movie Database.

Sunday, December 15, 2002

This blokes a nutter! He sings karaoke into a webcam in his car that have been requested to him. He's stopped taking requests now but leaves behind a fine archive of material.

Friday, December 13, 2002

Canibal advertises for food, man replies, gets eaten. And Darwin laughs from his spot on high....

Meanwhile, Yahoo! has have picked their top websites of 2002, whilst the word Dragonball has become the most searched word on the Internet, actually managing to oust sex from top spot. Although I'd suggest that is more due to surfers becoming more sophisticated and realising that the entries under sex yield nothing but arse (and not good arse either, oh no. Arse as in shit. And I don't mean scat either you dirty-minded tissue-papered google-eyed fucker). I'm betting that porn searching still takes up the overwhelming majority of Web searches though.

Rather excellent Lord of The Rings site, including deecent Mines of Moria game... Got my tickets for Wednesday thankyouverymuchindeed. Sad? Oh yes. But that's why it's so good. If it tried to be cool and trendy, it'd probably be a pile of wank. LOTR is, by nature, sadness. But it's exciting sadness. Also sadness would be to identify with this Star Wars flash thingy made in the style of an Apple Mac ad.

Whuuur! The Tesseract. Check out this interactive 4-dimensional thingy-me-jig.

Cool. List of the hottest sauces in the world.

Wednesday, December 11, 2002

Grrrr... I just wrote loads here only for my cunting computer to close all my open windows, thus losing all my good work. The offending website is Secret Santa, a site that asks you to identify the celebrity behind the long white beard. It wasn't the site really, it was the Shockwave installation I had downloaded to view it kicking off. I was in fact just writing my tirade against Christmas, so it was particularly apt that a Chrimbo related site should undo all my good anti-Christmas work. Despised Christmas occurances included: bloody kids running about pissing everybody off; rampant commercialism aimed at attempting to convince you into buying items you rightly detest; such as compilation videos featuring out-takes of sporting events and presented by some less than talented psuedo-celebrity who you can't quite name because you are unable to dislodge the word "cunt" from your every thought; the mere possibility of wandering into or near a shopping centre during December; having to put up with twice as many idiots on the streets - both pedestrians and motorists; traffic, traffic everywhere; Christians attempting to somehow wring some deep and unclear religious meaning from a festival they know fully well contains none whatsoever; pantomimes; people wanting it to snow; Christmas trees and their pines; jolly fucking cunts dressed in the Coca Cola corporate colours; the media rubbing it into those without family; Cliff fucking Richard; any other Christmas songs; hundreds of pointless cards that people buy in packs of fifty and waste your time, and your shelf space should you not find the wastepaper bin first like I do; the need to spend money buying presents that people would rather not get and receiving presents you'd rather burn rather than just spending the money on yourself in the first place and ending up with stuff you actually want; brussel sprouts; and Disney. Bloody Disney.

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.......

Slightly clever and fairly funny Advent Calender.

Write about a random word for one minute. Warning: this website asks you not to think.

Read with mirth as Graham Douglas takes on a Nigerian e-mail faudster.

404 page poetry

Decent. Kendo Wars.

Pretty cool: Museum of Hoaxes

Brilliant Ralph Wiggum Soundboard: "I bent my wookie..."

Sunday, December 08, 2002

Marvelous. Following Thursday's link to Amazon and "Customers who shopped for this item also shopped for these items...", comes an article detailing Amazon's embarrassment concerning aforesaidmentioned. Had you read the Comments of course, you would know this already. Nice 'un Al.

Toaster-tastic!: "This page features pictures of adults in sexual situations with kitchen appliances. If you are under the age of 87 (142 in Estonia, Khazakstan, Kyrgyzstan, Australia and the US states of Utah and Texas) and or are offended by pictures of rotherham / shirebrook / woodhouse / terrace road slags with kitchen appliances please LEAVE NOW. The author takes no responsibility for genital burns caused by attempts to reproduce the acts shown here."

I need say no more.

The mums guide to footy. Or rather the "Mom's Guide to Soccer"... Americans: grrr...

Um... er... did this really happen?

CNN has asked it's viewers to submit designs for a new World Trade Centre. Although some designs are a bit odd.

SK serenades the city once again, much to the city's frustration.

Glen Hoddle's Homepage. I kiss you!

Whoa! Early Optical Camoflage. Clothing that mimics the stuff behind it. I'm sure this stuff's gonna be refined and used extensively. It'll lead to the mother of all crime waves before triggering a boon in the infra-red security business. Buy your shares early my friends.

My word. Check out this ridiculously strong magnet on ebay. Decent.

he he he...

This is also pretty cool: Halfbakery. Site dedicated to speculative but original fictional inventions. Such as Flocking Road Cones, "Smart Road Cones that look after themselves."

Thursday, December 05, 2002

Wednesday, December 04, 2002

Thanks to a, um, masturbatory acquaintance, I present to you every single Playboy Centerfold from 1953 to the present. Yum.

Saw the new James Bond film Die Another Day last week. Not bad, but hardly a classic. They've managed to completely dump all the style and class from the Bond series that made the sixties and seventies films the cults they are now. Die Another Day is simply an action film nothing less... but nothing more. And only a competent one at that. So why not cheer yourself up?. Nobody does it better... Class.

Also aimed for your joylobes is this animation featuring every single thing referenced in Billy Joel's We Didn't Start The Fire. However, it's the chatty commentary that makes it.

Now check this out. Having spent years looking at the same static visual tricks printed in countless publications, it's nice to see one designed for the Internet. Expect this sort of thing to become increasingly common (eventually you'll become sick of these too).

The mint with the hole.

Also this week, students in Michigan have claimed to have built the world's first anti-gravity machine for the Metro-Detroit Science Fair. Dubious? Check out the video for yourself. Personally I'd like to see them testing it outdoors where there is less possibility of fiendishly situated wiring. Talking about wierd-arse flying gizmos, check out this page of UFO sightings in Medieval art and this article.

Chap who went to see preview of the Two Towers film and kept getting interrupted by MTV. Ha ha, serves him right for getting to see it before me. What did he expect at a special MTV screening? Personally I can't wait for the 45 minute battle scene. Oh. Fucking. Yes.

Kikkoman Ha ha ha....

Truely excellent online racing game in the style of Wipeout.

Thanks to forum people for pointing it out

Thursday, November 28, 2002

Excellent Peanuts comic strip.

Currently on the 'net are rumours abound regarding our Mr Beckham, Michael Owen's sister and Posh's opinion of it all. It's got to be bollocks - thanks to Al for the tip though.
Bwa ha ha ha ha ha....


Make sunglasses out of toilet paper.

This bloke makes matchhead sculptures. Pretty cool.

The Nine Hundred Club. Gawp at the world's heaviest people.

Tuesday, November 26, 2002

My failure to update this blog as much as I would like is due to my murderous activities in the new Grand Theft Auto: Vice City game (and LOTR Two Towers game. And LOTR Fellowship of the Ring Extended Edition DVD. And Clone Wars DVD. Oh yes.) So whether this online pixilated take on killing pedestrians is a good thing or not is yet to be judged. Meanwhile, if you don't shoot 'em, they'll bugger you up the arse! Excellent if unpolitically-correct shockwave game. And also try the classy, if slightly boring, online battleships. And of course there's always cat bowling.

Speaking of cats, the cutest weblog on the 'net has come to my attention, although also often a tragic one. Connie fosters sick kittens and keeps a diary of their progress. I don't think she'd appreciate cat bowling though.

unclaimed corpse's go online

sad lego sculptures

Also, a satellitte orbiting Mars has found tubes on the surface. Interesting...

Face found on Mars

Saturday, November 23, 2002

Here's a site dedicated to the Webmaster's hatred of the game of football (typically he calls it 'Soccer'). The hate mail is definitely worth a look; one correspondant correctly sums it up: "Overall, a good laugh sir. Even if its at your expense."

Some websites do get my heckles up sometimes, so the idea of being able to Graffiti The Web appeals. Add your mark. Meanwhile in the classical style we have all come to admire, from b3ta comes.... gash or 'tash... More testing matters can be found at the hoax photo contest which carefully tests your visual abilities. Only when you score full marks in level one can you proceed to two and included are some classic images which have appeared on the Internet recently.

Thursday, November 21, 2002

The USA has got to be by far the oddest country on the Earth. The current debate, raging it's way from coast to coast is the eternal question: What would Jesus drive? This is after a major advertising campaign by evangelical and green groups aimed at persuading Americans to step out of their gas guzzlers (and stop producing half of all the world's polution). It is best summed up at the site which states:

This isn't the evangelical anti-SUV website.... They believe Jesus would drive a fuel-efficient vehicle. I take photographs of toys in fucked-up situations. There's a subtle, yet important, difference.

Good links on his site as well. Actually that's pretty much all this site consists of, plus a couple of odd pictures. Remind you of another site? Good though.

Anyway, back to the matter in hand.... Ask an American what they think Jesus would drive and they remark what a good question it is (they do, I saw it on telly last night). Ask a Brit and they will present you with a look that is a mixture of amusement and bewilderment (I know because I asked one). This issue, I believe, beautifully encapsulates the differences between the peoples of the two countries in question.

Office Bored Games Not just dodgy online games; games that involve, for instance, cutting little snowboarding figures out and chucking them off the back of your monitor! Must be good....

The Eye! The Eye!

Monday, November 18, 2002

Well, this is more than a little sad: a chap who will give $10,000 to whomever introduces him to the person he proposes to. And this girl will unveil naked pictures of herself if she gets enough donations to get her out of her $10,000 debt. Hmm, I think I've had an idea...

Meanwhile, for those of us with less ambition, and in the same spirit as realdoll - the realistic female with with all the necessary in and outy bits, comes realhampster; "the world's finest buggering hampster". Something tells me this isn't entirely serious.


Sunday, November 17, 2002

Grr, my 'pootah has been showing some bewilderingly annoying symtoms. Mainly involving the utter failure to let me use it. Hence my lack of activity here.

Expect a less than regular service for a wee while. Bah.

I have taken out my anger on the pages of Vent, however I'm wondering whether they will post it up as they don't allow a category for computing. However I'm still interested in cool computer mods - namely a goth computer case... (It ushers you in with one hand and slaps you with the other doesn't it? My fury silently grows in an unknown part of me.)

For all you work people who like to sneekily surf the Internet instead of actually earning your hourly wage, why not check out Ghostzilla? It makes web pages look like a Word document and allows you to switch off that contentious page with a flick of your (well exercised) wrist. You sneeky fucks. If you do have to surf at work, I may as well point you towards caught@work. Smooth.

Last time we bought you Voluntary Human Extinction. Today, prepare yourselves for.... Masturbate For Peace !!!!

although I still prefer: More Head Less Dead

or even: Give Bush The Finger
If nothing else, the bumper sticker suggestions page is worth a look on its own....

Be the highest bidder buy God! You can now buy God on Ebay. And there's no reserve price!

Oh Sandwich. Oh precious sandwich...

Importantly, you can speedily* find out why cats enjoy eating earwax.

*The word 'speedily' refers to the efficiency of your modem. Considering this is a link to a text only page, you can expect this to be as quick as fuck. Although not as quick as you would like no doubt. Nothing's ever good enough is it? Frustrated with your microwave are yer?

Monday, November 11, 2002

A site called the No Apologies Press recently planted a personal ad on a dating website and monitored the response. The ad read:

"I'm looking for a 23-40-year-old guy... I'm a 35-year-old, attractive blonde. Not looking for anything beyond a physical relationship right now... No pic? Don't even bother."

The response was reliably shocking. Many thought pictures of their cocks would seal the deal. One sent in a pic of his pink sword alongside a can of coke and a ruler presumably for scale's sake. However a "cute, built (married) Asian guy" remarked "I like the no-strings attached requirement because that's the only kind I can have." His photo included his wife. See the whole sorry mess here.

Since the South Korean government has lifted it's ban on 8,100 domain names that it feared could be used for sexual reasons dotcom fever has raised it's inevitably temporary head. was the most requested domain with 58,000 applicants. Unfortunately the internet boom is more of a bust in Ireland. There have been only 2,000 installations of broadband in the whole country. Ireland offline is campaigning to get it back on track.

Meanwhile, find out what your workmates call you behind your back.

Watch the The Prime Number Shitting Bear in amazement.

Why not join the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement? I feel they have an interesting point, in that they think the answer to the world's problems is to slowly kill off the human race: "The hopeful alternative to the extinction of millions of species of plants and animals is the voluntary extinction of one species: Homo sapiens... When every human chooses to stop breeding, Earth's biosphere will be allowed to return to its former glory, and all remaining creatures will be free to live, die, evolve (if they believe in evolution), and will perhaps pass away, as so many of Mother Nature's 'experiments' have done throughout the eons. Good health will be restored to the Earth's ecology... to the "life form" known by many as Gaia." Oh dear...

Failing that, simply just live out the entirity of your days online instead with The Simulator. Excellent.

Sunday, November 10, 2002

Ah yes of course. The Phantom Edit and associated stuff. Star Wars The Phantom Menace was so weak and shit (and compared to the original three unbelievably weak and shit), more enlightened souls got together to recreate the film minus the annoyance of a small child acting like a brat and a cartoon character created to sell pencil cases and backpacks to pre-schoolers. This isn't new information of course. The Phantom Edit has been an established alternative since just after the world's heckles were raised by the unbelievable shitness of the Phantom Menace. However Charging Through The Midfield is much newer than that, and a friend just emailed me this particular link. So poo to you.

Having said all that, Episode II was much more of a masterpiece. An effects driven one admittedly; and Monday marks the date of the DVD release. This is alongside the Lord of the Rings Special Edition and the Once Upon a Time Trilogy. Oh yes.

After bringing you Simon Swears (can't be arsed to provide link), please now look towards a swearing xylophone!!! Not particularly suitable for work if you have your speakers turned up though. Then again, that all depends on your office I suppose. 'Tis very good anyway...

NASA have put a camera on a Space Shuttle speeding into space. Click here to download the 2Mb movie file and get a bird's eye view so to speak....

This site rules!: Download old Atari, Amiga, C64 etc games for your PC. But possibly even better for girlies is the news that Playstation have released a game with a vibrator! Ah. The rise of technology...

Also ruling is the site that lets you design your own lego person!

Molecules with ridiculous names.

Cat hate: my cat hates you dot com

Plump or bump? Can you identify the pregnant from the fat-arse?

Thursday, November 07, 2002

Bah. Lots of effort needed to update blogs.

Chipmonk takes a bong

These blue words link to a site dedicated to the many many many very very very stupid people there are in the world and their interactions with the world of computing. eg:

Customer: "I can't get online."
Tech Support: "Can you be more specific?"
Customer: "It says, 'Bad username/password'."
Tech Support: "What is your username?"
Customer: "Are you sure that the Internet isn't closed for the night?"

Link to fairly cool Flash movie...

....and a nice simple Snoopy baseball game

Wednesday, November 06, 2002

A few weeks back there were reports of tiny alien spaceships - big enough only for the tiniest of creatures. Now, discovered in Chile this week, can be found the story of a tiny humanoid creature complete with pictures and interviews. Not enough conspiracy theory though.

Design your own alien at TechnoSphere. It will live in the TechnoSphere world and eat, sleep, fight, and mate. You can keep track of how it competes and what it's children are up to. Pretty damn cool.


The Kop

It was reported today that Victoria Beckham - "Posh Spice" - is attempting to stop Peterborough United FC from registering their nickname "Posh" as a trademark. Peterborough have been known as The Posh since they were formed in 1934. Read the story here. That one individual can challenge everyone else using a fairly common adjective as a nickname is frankly unbelievable. Associating the word posh with Mrs Beckham is of course now an irony - but I'm not sure if she realises it yet.

Build a cool looking PC (and exhibit your sadness).

Monday, November 04, 2002

Continuing the pussy theme, check out this Public Enemy/cats site then Panty Cat. And also the subtle find-a-vagina...

Other finds over this weekend include the mildly funny Chronicles of George, the pretty nifty bit-101 which is about Flash experimenting (I think it's pretty cool but I'm sad so you should decide for yourselves...), doggles, the site dedicated to canine sunglasses, and the most lo-fi online games of all time (and, typically, much better than 99% of other much more complex games). My record for the 50 yard dash is currently 6.92 seconds...

Also, with the bidding currently at $55,400, why not purchase a Russian MIG 21 Jet? Marvelous.

Inexplicable kung-fu cow

Saturday, November 02, 2002

Hello to all the cat lovers out there. I am told that one of your number pointed a whole bunch of you towards me as I had listed lots of interesting cat sites. That entry can be found towards the bottom of last month's archive, although I am told that the bizarre and undoubtedly interesting cat-scan captured most of the interest and controversy. Further reading involves the site of the original cat-scan contest which led to the idea for the current cat-scan incarnation.

Friday, November 01, 2002

Thanks to Arseblog for putting me on the site. Currently there is a discussion there regarding whether football players ever look at fan sites on the Web. I reckon a few do, but probably don't feel as though they should come forward. I say this now: any professional footballer who is reading this should not be shy. Go on, leave a comment. You'll increase my traffic no end! Increase your cult status by tagging CTTM.... Hmm, well it's worth a try, but I won't hold my breath.

Bah. Still at work till Sunday. Hence me sitting here at 9pm on a Friday night. I have to go into work at 2.30am this coming morning. Grrrr! Oh well, at least I've been pointed towards the marvelous Lego meets Monty Python's Holy Grail movie.

Thanks to the retards who are the Daily Mail readers, the BBC poll for Great Britons is currently headed by..... Princess Diana.

I despair I really really do... My hatred for the Daily Mail continues. Extremist, cynical crap. It's not an anti-right thing - I don't agree with the Daily Telegraph's opinions, but I respect it as a paper. Well, in theory anyway. The Daily Mail is like a campaigning propaganda paper... always looking to fuck some poor bastard over. Its readers sent shit to the home address of a Lotto official after the Daily cunting Mail printed the poor bloke's home address in connection with a story about funding for a pro-immigration charity. Jesus...

Anyway, vote for your Great Briton here. I voted for Isaac Newton, with Mr Darwin narrowly missing out. Newton was a sad loser, but if this was a personality contest I would be voting for Eddie Izzard (and still not Diana).

Look at an amazing ariel shot of Etna's volcanic eruption in Sicily.

I'm currently doing working on a cricket match from Culcutta. This involves me starting work at 2.30am, hence the lack of activity here.

However I did get time to check out an excellent new shop in Soho called At The Movies.

Evil Clown Generator...

Monday, October 28, 2002

Charting the predictable: This week's events in a Moscow Theatre have followed all the usual lines of predictability. Firstly it was obvious that the Chechen occupation of the Theatre was going to end in none of the demands being met and the Russians attempting to kill all the terrorists. Secondly it was obvious that the Russians would negotiate the release of all of the foreign hostages. This would lead to the third obvious stage which involved the Russians putting together a badly thought out military effort to end it all. Fourthly, it was obvious that it would get ballsed up and loads of people would die. It was also obvious that the Russians would have no problem fucking over their own citizens once the nice lovely foreigners were out the way - wrongly believing that the outside world would ignore the resulting disaster. Old Soviet habits die hard.

It's all so depressing really.

Even worse they pumped the theatre full of gas probably banned by international treaty and as a result thought it best not to provide any medical assistance for the inevitable innocent casualties that would emerge from the building. The same reason is almost certainly why they still refuse to tell docters what the gas actually was. Plus one of the terrorists managed to escape, meaning that the Russians somehow failed to ring the scene with tight security even though they must have been preparing for days. Classic ineptitude. Hopefully this episode will embarass those in charge into sorting out their act. Although they learnt little from their handling of the Kursk disaster so I'm not holding out for much.

In a way, the terrorists probably got their way. It's doubtful they really expected the Russians to pull out of Chechnya, but probably wanted to draw attention to their cause. And in that they have suceeded. Russian operations in the region are again in the news and the bungled rescue means that instead of everybody crying out against the terrorists, the anger is being directed towards the Russians.

Not being one to tempt the possibility of bungling a gradual shift from seriousness to homour I will dive in with....

Try winning at this. Not as easy as you might think but nevertheless mediocre.

Then find this fairly good but not spectacular Alanis Morissette lyric generator

....Slow web day. As you can probably tell.

Mmm, surely there's something better than this?

Well. It's one hour after my plea for something better and I have discovered 2 cool things:

1: A ridiculously cool looking new keyboard

And 2: An embarrassing piccie of my mate Rob. Hehehe...

Saturday, October 26, 2002

My last entry bought you the fantastical story of the Hotel Coathanger Bandit. I now therefore provide a linky to part 2 of the ongoing saga albeit a couple of days later.... Thanks to Alistair for pointing out the existence of installment two. If you have been reading his blog, you would have noticed he thanked me in a very similar manner for pointing out the original story. I like this. This means we have a 'I'll scratch your back, you scratch mine' thing going on. And since he gets vastly greater amounts of hits, it means his scratching provides me with (relatively) huge numbers of visitors, whilst my scratching amounts to little more than a tickle. Bwaa ha ha ha ha ha and so on.....

Meanwhile, the wonderous people at b3ta - source of so much of this blog's findings - have put together an internet simulator for those who want to practise their skills. Now remember, those nice folks at b3ta like their organisation to be pronounced like "Peter" - it is not "bee-three-tee-ay" godammit. As a reward for being aware of this fact, one of their number has produced this excellent collection of downloadable eighties video commercals. Even just looking at the screen captures drives me into a heady spiral of reminiscent excitment:

Little Tommy almost wished he didn't have a sphincter...

I cannot wait for the Grand Theft Auto game The Getaway. Although it is not released until after Vice City, The Getaway, is going to be set in real life London. The programmers have mapped 40 square kilometers of central London and I for one will be committing a number of murders outside of my workplace.

Go here for more screen captures. And here is an interview with developers Team Soho including more screen shots. Marvelous.

Now you can drool...

Wednesday, October 23, 2002

Always good to hear of witnesses giving barristers the runaround in court, this excellent court extract shows such a case.

The thought occurs this aftrnoon, that I haven't sat down to write a decent entry here for a good while. Apologies for that. Hopefully continuing linkage makes up for it a bit. I hope there are no (prepare for shockingly poor joke...) missing links:

Now put that awful piece of shit homour out of your mind and checkout what your sleeping position says about you - although having read the site, I don't think it is entirely serious. I don't have a clue what my sleeping position is as I'm usually asleep - I guess I'll have to get someone to tell me. But then again, why do I give a fuck? The standard reply to being told that I snore is: "So? I don't care, I'm asleep."

Bah. That's it today. I'm off to get some food.

Final thought: John Lesley? Oh dear....

Tuesday, October 22, 2002

US Sniper Caught On Film:

First look at the new hotly awaited fighting stick death game - still a demo, but a bashingly good one...

Second there's Ninja Burger. "Guaranteed delivery in 30 minutes or less, or we commit Seppuku!". Ninja Burger will deliver anywhere for you... however they don't use doors.

Monday, October 21, 2002

Test your knowledge of My Little Pony and porn actresses, with this handy quiz. And don't forget to check out Black People Love Us ...the website!

Finally here is an actual picture found on the auction site ebay:

Saturday, October 19, 2002

"Loading the President": compile your own Bush speech complete with big words and long squeeky fart. Most excellent. Sadly no swearing present. But make up for it with the equally excellent Simon Swears...

If all this makes you want to embrace the written word, think again. These sad fuckers have compiled a site dedicated to pen spinning complete with mpeg videos of the various styles. Oh deary me.

Friday, October 18, 2002

Millenium Dome Falcon....

Yesterday in a restaraunt I was told the way of the restaraunteur. And despite being in a fairly high-class establishment, it was all in evidence. A simple tale: some mineral water is requested and we are by default presented with the largest most expensive bottle of mineral water rather than the normal sized one our individual's request deserved. Many would silently accept and it is those timid souls who give the incentive to the money-grabbing retailer. Order a 'well-done' steak in any restaraunt and you can expect to be cooked the limpest, oldest, most degenerate piece of steak in the kitchen. A former employer of one well known eatery (which for legal reasons shall remain nameless - clue: what day is it today?), tells me the bottle switch is a tactic dictated to staff by management. This trend permeates down through the whole of the industry. Go to any disreputable takeaway for a burger and you are almost guaranteed to have it promoted to a cheeseburger before you pay the money. Annoyance. The adding of a 1p slice of an unbelievably processed piece of cheese is translated into a 30 or 40p increase in the price of the burger. Which makes one wonder if all the products in the burger are marked up by thirty times... Then your mind turns to the meat. If only someone could invent a single pill that contained all the daily vitamins you needed plus the necessary fibre and protein, we'd be all set. Well, I'd be all set. I'd be able to fill up my stomach with all the crap I usually eat - but this time it'd be worry free. In fact I reckon I could just eat raw white bread and drink plain water everyday and there'd be no problems.

Wednesday saw the 17th Worldwide Anti-McDonald's Day. I thought the protesters were on to to something when I read that campaigners in Adelaide had offered shit to MacDonald's customers, but sadly the items were just vegan biscuits in the form of shit. At last an incisive commentary on the state of Vegan biscuits.

Spin the surrealist wheel of fortune.

And ask the sporefish something special.

Today I bring to you the startling news that heart pacemakers are exploding when their owners are cremated. Of a survey of 241 British crematoriums; more than half reported pacemaker explosions, including blasts powerful enough to blow off oven doors and cause hundreds of thousands of pounds' worth of damage.

Next is a story that tells of shirts that turn losers into hot babe magnets. One can only hope we are on the verge of a new age.

Meanwhile, the revelation that even my girlfriend doesn't look at this site doesn't exactly bode well. As no-one would have noticed, I've put a hit counter at the bottom of the page. Some of my mates have reasoned that if I had something to say, I could just tell them to their face. Otherwise I should just direct them to here if they asked me a question. Bah.

The Simpsons showing a love for the film Pulp Fiction can be found here and here. Marvelous.

Thursday, October 17, 2002

The Internet never fails to amaze. Nor does the state of Texas. Here can be found a site listing the last meal requests of convicts on Death Row.

And likewise, the net provides opportunities otherwise not to be found. On what other medium could you purchase a ghostbusters car and four suits with backpacks?

At time of writing bidding stands at $1,275... Oh dear.

Finally, visit Taliban Reunited for a really fucking good laugh.

Monday, October 14, 2002

Well, I said I wouldn't be able to update everyday. I do have a life you know? Although admittedly I spent most of Sunday playing pool and Playstation.

However I did find a site which is advertising a product for translating dog barking into human language. Sadly that language is Japanese, so you still won't understand it.

Meanwhile, US marshals are continuing the search for White Van Man in Washington State. It seems WVM has unfortunately found himself a high powered rifle and appears to be gunning down those pesky motorists who take too long to fill their cars and of course the kids who cross the road with no regard for his right of way as he turns left in fourth without indicating. The cheeky cunts.

Having said that, we're talking about America here. The land where the automatic automobile is king. Regardless, even American WVM would take any corner at a minimum of 20mph. Now the freedom to defend oneself with an AK-47 is one thing; crossing the road is another. Seeing as crossing aforesaidmentioned road is illegal in the the world's most free society and owning a high-powered sniper rifle is not, WVM would undoubtably claim to be acting in self-defence (Sorry. Self-defense).

Sadly for the world, the age of WVM is still to come. Whatever happens to our WVM over in the US, expect other WVM (I don't need to use 's there as WVM perfectly covers the phrase White Van Men, although I would have saved an effort had I done so seeing as now I've had to write this elongated explanation) to feature far more heavily in the news. In a Charging Through The Midfield exclusive I have discovered: WVM - the website!, readying to rock and roll, aimed to bring WVM (See? Good eh? No plural required) together... May God have mercy on our souls.


Here can be found a reasonable animation which I judge to be mildy humorous.

Hoorah! Comments finally sorted thanks to those nice people at haloscan.

Thursday, October 10, 2002

One day I'm gonna post all the links I know to websites obssessed with the domestic cat. I think the cat is the first everyday thing to achieve cult status on the Internet. Not many people probably realise this because the Internet's a new phenomenon and people don't know what to look for. But I'm convinced about this fact. How else does one explain a cat-herding game? Or cat boxing? Perhaps you prefer Japanese pussy, else you might like it mean. The list is endless: music for cats; cat animations; rate my kitten; why cats paint; real photos of winged cats; and if your cat's getting on your keybord try cat-proofing it; if that fails go here to buy a cat ejection pack. Well worth the money I would imagine. The brilliant Nohands is likely to become a cat cult of it's very own if it isn't one already. And don't forget wednesday's link to cat-scan....

Sadly, the Japanese shaved cats page seems to have been taken down.

There are precendents however. Classic Internet cults already identified include: the unstoppable cult that sprung from the mouth-opening online video 'all your base...' and the early brilliance of bert is evil. The newest cult is apparently weebl and bob. That link there gets you to the full archives. I don't see the attraction myself - bunch of arse if you ask me, but others seem to like it. My personal choice of what should achieve cult status is furniture porn. But that's just my warped sense of humour I guess.

Thanks to Alistair for voluntarily making my life easier by offering to host stuff for me and putting together a more efficient header. Apart from being a thoroughly decent chap he also compiles one hell of a website. I advise everyone to visit his truely excellent scaryduck house of lies and his award-winning blog.

Okay, just been putting on Commenting software. This not yet working properly, but at least it's in place and looking good. Not much good like that though. Bear with me. Before I set this site up on Tuesday evening the only thing I knew about HTML was how to post pictures on a forum and how to make typeface look red and large. Hardly advanced stuff, and I've been at work all day today as well. Have mercy please. Again thanks to Alistair for pointing me towards the right software. No thanks to anybody else. Yeah, thanks guys. I live with a computer bod, so I might have to get him to take a look. Hmm. Anyway, sod this shit, I'm going to bed. Serious lack of sleep over the last few nights - I was like a zombie at work today. Dodgy Indian soaps don't help. I've been working on an Asian TV station for over two years now and the only word I understand is the Hindi word for "in association with". Thank heavens they have good outdoor weather over there, else their nice culture would be seriously exposed to some very forced commercial television. This, I think, would be very bad. And if you're wondering whether I get to see some nice late night Indian babes... I don't think so. They'll happily show a man getting hung on a primetime news bullitin, but show a bit of shoulder and fire and brimstone will rain down from the sky. I don't understand it, but then again I'm not from that culture.

And our culture is hardly a nirvana of moral virtue.

Just one final thought: Howard Wilkinson as Sunderland manager? Aarrrgghh ha ha ha ha!!!!....

Wednesday, October 09, 2002

So here we are, well into October. And as the Sun takes a deepeningly shallow path across the lower half of the sky, we arrive at a time of year where indecisiveness rains down like leaves falling from a tree. Specifically I'm referring to that great subject of British conversations - the weather. In this country especially, the confusion becomes paramount.

When to unpack the overcoat.

I have to say it's worse in Spring. The temptation is to want the hot weather to come quickly and to go out wearing a lone t-shirt well before summer ripens. We get cold, but we still refuse to wear the coat next time as to do so would be to admit that summer is still to come.

Okay okay, so this is a particularly petty subject matter. However it is indicative of the time of year. Just look at the state of the Conservative Party. At a time when there should be no external pressures on them, the party is collapsing in on itself like a tin can in a high school physics experiment. Last week I spoke to somebody who was keeping a bottle of champagne in their fridge specifically to open upon the announcement of Thatcher's death. And it seems there are many more who will celebrate when the old witch finally meets her (rather pshychotic) maker - including me. In fact I wouldn't be surprised to see the pubs overflowing with frothy bitter (traditional industrialists drink) on that night accompanied by great merriment and cheer. I'm also hoping to spot the odd wealthy socialist man of leisure touring drinking holes buying large rounds of champagne for all. And truly, at least within those particular licensed establishments, we will have little foetal societies; "Let us create a society!" I for one will scream loudly.

With the Tories fading into the background, it seems clear now that we, as a population, are seeing things more starkly then we did in the late seventies and eighties. I guess that period was the autumn of the twentieth century. In our figurative spring we had two World Wars and more confusion.

Is what I speak a large flagon of toss? Well, yes frankly. But I've got to write something, otherwise this becomes a rather pointless blog. Although the thought occurs that what I'm writing renders this blog pretty futile anyway. However I urge you to stick with the course.

Hmm, I'm gonna think of something better to write and continue today's entry later...

I've just been looking for images to put at the top of this page. I don't only want football related pictures, so I thought maybe a man running through a battlefield would be a good'un. Amazingly, a search brings up countless images of cats. Which made me think of the brilliant site I've temporarily put up the one half-decent image I've found. If anyone can find anything more approriate, do email me.

I've been told that my previous entry doesn't actually mean anything at all. Well, perhaps. But as I said to the person concerned (and this also goes for the images), perfection can only be achieved via incremental steps. Although I've got to be careful about spending too much time with my computer having read about a 24 year-old South Korean gentleman who died after spending 86 consecutive hours playing a computer game. I know a few people who should take a look at that link before taking an even more careful look inwards. Right, I'm gonna shift off now. I have a rather colossal curry to cook and consume. And if they don't yet like my ramblings, perhaps that alliteration there will win a few over....

Tuesday, October 08, 2002

I started this blog after hearing people telling me their stories of one particular night. What I've heard is always filled with passion emotion and reminiscent glory. This blog is going to list various stories from the night of May 26th 1989, the night Arsenal went to Anfield and snatched the league title in the most dramatic possible way. I want stories from people wherever they were, even if they weren't into footy at the time. And this site shouldn't be just for Gooners.

....Then about ten minutes later I decided that it wasn't a very good idea for a blog, or indeed a blog at all. So then I decided to make a link to another page that could host that.

I'm quickly beginning to think that this is going to end up as a blog detailing my efforts to get a blog off the ground. Bah.

Right. Fuck it. This is gonna just be a general blog of sorts. But I'm sticking with the name Charging Through The Midfield for now. I know I won't be able to update this everyday, but I will look after this as if it were my own child. Which probably isn't very well, however I've just spent the last 2 hours fiddling with bloody HTML so I aint gonna give up now dagnammit.