What if you had a bookmaker following your every move? Every aspect of your life could have odds attributed to it. I recently told a close female friend of mine that, although I had no designs on her, if a bookmaker was taking bets on which girl I would marry she would be a strong favourite. This of course is only because the girl I end up marrying (if I ever do – don’t want to jinx anything here; and besides, maybe I’ll meet a girl who also realises the pointlessness of a legal union) is almost certainly going to be a person who I have yet to meet and whose current odds no doubt stand at several million to one. So inevitably, the front-runners are those close to me – and maybe also an ex. I wouldn’t be placing any bets in this category if I were you.

And this has got me thinking. The bookmaker would constantly run odds related to my death within an immediate period of two seconds – as well as other periods of time. Currently I am sitting in front of a computer striking my fingers upon a keyboard. It is a difficult job to calculate odds for someone such as me when we are simply discussing in abstract terms. I expect to have any idea one would need to construct complicated mathematical formulae using all sorts of algebraic notation with x’s and z’s and all that sort of thing. But let’s face it the odds would be pretty damned long. However, as you might imagine the odds would shorten somewhat as I leave my house or plug in an electrical appliance. When I switch on my television the numbers would plummet in response to the possibility of the vacuumed tube exploding outwards and embedding shrapnel into my brain. Of course when I participate in an adventure sport and the like the odds on my death would tumble to a fraction of their present value perhaps to the thousands or even the hundreds to one. The mind truly boggles. It really does.

Mine does anyway.



What are the odds that I will utter the word “acerbic” on 25th October 2028? Clearly you will have to factor in the likelihood of my being alive or, indeed, able to use the function of speech. I reckon it’s about 150-1. The chances of me ironing my clothes in the next seven days stand nearer 200-1 however.

The reason I am going through all this because life. It’s bigger. It’s bigger than you and you are not me. The lengths that I will go to.

Sorry, went off on one there.

Er yes, I say all this to make the point that... Actually I’m not making any point at all. I just had this bookmaker thought and it seemed like a fairly interesting thing to say. And then I tried to justify it afterwards and sought to put it into some sort of thought-provoking and fascinating argument. But really there was nothing.

I was going to say that this viewpoint illustrates that attempting to rationalise one’s future in terms of chance is ridiculous and that one must take a more karmic view of the future rather than experiencing angst at the lack of control we have over our paths through the various fields of experience. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to steer, but that we should enjoy the view even if it wasn’t the one we had intended to take in. As the late great Bill Hicks once said about life: it’s just a ride.

And it’s not a bad point. But I had not intended to tackle this issue when I began to write – rather it came about as a result of my bookmaker thingy. Which is a theme I could have developed far far more with undoubtedly hilarious consequences. But you get the point.

If you do fancy having any punts on any aspect of my life, drop me a line or post a comment and I will give you the odds. Should these be agreeable I will be happy to accept your money.



Single of the week: Britain Is Shit by Selfish Cunt. You can even download the mp3. A mixture of Sex Pistols and White Stripes . But not as good as either. And with a disappointingly serious tone. I was hoping for a few more schizophrenic tendencies.

Speaking of mp3's you may be noticing the growing list of my compositions for you to download and keep! Each is a nicely compressed package of only a few Mb or so. I'm sure full quality CD's can be dispatched should you be able to provide a mightily good reason.