Charting the predictable: This week's events in a Moscow Theatre have followed all the usual lines of predictability. Firstly it was obvious that the Chechen occupation of the Theatre was going to end in none of the demands being met and the Russians attempting to kill all the terrorists. Secondly it was obvious that the Russians would negotiate the release of all of the foreign hostages. This would lead to the third obvious stage which involved the Russians putting together a badly thought out military effort to end it all. Fourthly, it was obvious that it would get ballsed up and loads of people would die. It was also obvious that the Russians would have no problem fucking over their own citizens once the nice lovely foreigners were out the way - wrongly believing that the outside world would ignore the resulting disaster. Old Soviet habits die hard.

It's all so depressing really.

Even worse they pumped the theatre full of gas probably banned by international treaty and as a result thought it best not to provide any medical assistance for the inevitable innocent casualties that would emerge from the building. The same reason is almost certainly why they still refuse to tell docters what the gas actually was. Plus one of the terrorists managed to escape, meaning that the Russians somehow failed to ring the scene with tight security even though they must have been preparing for days. Classic ineptitude. Hopefully this episode will embarass those in charge into sorting out their act. Although they learnt little from their handling of the Kursk disaster so I'm not holding out for much.

In a way, the terrorists probably got their way. It's doubtful they really expected the Russians to pull out of Chechnya, but probably wanted to draw attention to their cause. And in that they have suceeded. Russian operations in the region are again in the news and the bungled rescue means that instead of everybody crying out against the terrorists, the anger is being directed towards the Russians.

Not being one to tempt the possibility of bungling a gradual shift from seriousness to homour I will dive in with....


Try winning at this. Not as easy as you might think but nevertheless mediocre.

Then find this fairly good but not spectacular Alanis Morissette lyric generator


....Slow web day. As you can probably tell.

Mmm, surely there's something better than this?

Well. It's one hour after my plea for something better and I have discovered 2 cool things:

1: A ridiculously cool looking new keyboard

And 2: An embarrassing piccie of my mate Rob. Hehehe...

My last entry bought you the fantastical story of the Hotel Coathanger Bandit. I now therefore provide a linky to part 2 of the ongoing saga albeit a couple of days later.... Thanks to Alistair for pointing out the existence of installment two. If you have been reading his blog, you would have noticed he thanked me in a very similar manner for pointing out the original story. I like this. This means we have a 'I'll scratch your back, you scratch mine' thing going on. And since he gets vastly greater amounts of hits, it means his scratching provides me with (relatively) huge numbers of visitors, whilst my scratching amounts to little more than a tickle. Bwaa ha ha ha ha ha and so on.....

Meanwhile, the wonderous people at b3ta - source of so much of this blog's findings - have put together an internet simulator for those who want to practise their skills. Now remember, those nice folks at b3ta like their organisation to be pronounced like "Peter" - it is not "bee-three-tee-ay" godammit. As a reward for being aware of this fact, one of their number has produced this excellent collection of downloadable eighties video commercals. Even just looking at the screen captures drives me into a heady spiral of reminiscent excitment:

Little Tommy almost wished he didn't have a sphincter...

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I cannot wait for the Grand Theft Auto game The Getaway. Although it is not released until after Vice City, The Getaway, is going to be set in real life London. The programmers have mapped 40 square kilometers of central London and I for one will be committing a number of murders outside of my workplace.





Go here for more screen captures. And here is an interview with developers Team Soho including more screen shots. Marvelous.

Now you can drool...

Always good to hear of witnesses giving barristers the runaround in court, this excellent court extract shows such a case.

The thought occurs this aftrnoon, that I haven't sat down to write a decent entry here for a good while. Apologies for that. Hopefully continuing linkage makes up for it a bit. I hope there are no (prepare for shockingly poor joke...) missing links:


Now put that awful piece of shit homour out of your mind and checkout what your sleeping position says about you - although having read the site, I don't think it is entirely serious. I don't have a clue what my sleeping position is as I'm usually asleep - I guess I'll have to get someone to tell me. But then again, why do I give a fuck? The standard reply to being told that I snore is: "So? I don't care, I'm asleep."

Bah. That's it today. I'm off to get some food.

Final thought: John Lesley? Oh dear....

US Sniper Caught On Film:


First look at the new hotly awaited fighting stick death game - still a demo, but a bashingly good one...

Second there's Ninja Burger. "Guaranteed delivery in 30 minutes or less, or we commit Seppuku!". Ninja Burger will deliver anywhere for you... however they don't use doors.

Test your knowledge of My Little Pony and porn actresses, with this handy quiz. And don't forget to check out Black People Love Us ...the website!


Finally here is an actual picture found on the auction site ebay:

"Loading the President": compile your own Bush speech complete with big words and long squeeky fart. Most excellent. Sadly no swearing present. But make up for it with the equally excellent Simon Swears...

If all this makes you want to embrace the written word, think again. These sad fuckers have compiled a site dedicated to pen spinning complete with mpeg videos of the various styles. Oh deary me.

Millenium Dome Falcon....




Yesterday in a restaraunt I was told the way of the restaraunteur. And despite being in a fairly high-class establishment, it was all in evidence. A simple tale: some mineral water is requested and we are by default presented with the largest most expensive bottle of mineral water rather than the normal sized one our individual's request deserved. Many would silently accept and it is those timid souls who give the incentive to the money-grabbing retailer. Order a 'well-done' steak in any restaraunt and you can expect to be cooked the limpest, oldest, most degenerate piece of steak in the kitchen. A former employer of one well known eatery (which for legal reasons shall remain nameless - clue: what day is it today?), tells me the bottle switch is a tactic dictated to staff by management. This trend permeates down through the whole of the industry. Go to any disreputable takeaway for a burger and you are almost guaranteed to have it promoted to a cheeseburger before you pay the money. Annoyance. The adding of a 1p slice of an unbelievably processed piece of cheese is translated into a 30 or 40p increase in the price of the burger. Which makes one wonder if all the products in the burger are marked up by thirty times... Then your mind turns to the meat. If only someone could invent a single pill that contained all the daily vitamins you needed plus the necessary fibre and protein, we'd be all set. Well, I'd be all set. I'd be able to fill up my stomach with all the crap I usually eat - but this time it'd be worry free. In fact I reckon I could just eat raw white bread and drink plain water everyday and there'd be no problems.

Wednesday saw the 17th Worldwide Anti-McDonald's Day. I thought the protesters were on to to something when I read that campaigners in Adelaide had offered shit to MacDonald's customers, but sadly the items were just vegan biscuits in the form of shit. At last an incisive commentary on the state of Vegan biscuits.

Spin the surrealist wheel of fortune.

And ask the sporefish something special.